The death of rodger, part 1 of 3 in the rodger series =D

Ok this story was written because i was sitting next to a top notch guy, whom got bummed in the funky box (as rumour dictates) and i wanted to annoy the fuck out of him =D

One day chrispy left his one bedroom crackshack, which was very VERY dilapidated to hunt Rodger! On the other side of the crackshack. Rodger was selling some , some… Crack, yes crack! At this point it was 12 o’clock, a comet hit Rodger in the penis… he died, needless to say Chrispy was devastated. Chrispy then imploded and his guts went UGGHGGH  and then someone had chud on kerris head, no names.

Suddenly ducky died of aids. Grundy was the culprit, he was spreading his fluids about with all the top lads cause hes a gay yes a gay he likes to bum boys cause hes a gay. He got aids because he got bummed by a gay man in the funky box and thus got AIDS. He prefers red hair though, he has a red hair fetish so I was scared because I have a pink fringe and I am a lad, thus grundy is aroused. Leah bought a gun to shoot herself alongside jess dey cause she despises jess dey, but alas I intervened took the gun, shot grundy and shot jess and tubes whilst I was at it. Leah got done for murder cause it twas her gun and I laughed, that other slag (Ashleigh)  complained, so I bucked her down with my 9 milli BRAAAP.

The Po-lice where after me now, sooo I purchased an armoured ve-hacle and a repeat RPG, suddenly a mass virus broke out. ALL THE DEAD PEOPLE TURNED INTO GAY ZOMBIE LIKE CREATURES. I say that in the sense that they need to bum the same sex instead of eating them. However nyree was devastated cause she struggled to get cock cause all the males were being molested by the gaybies (the gay zombie like creatures), and the female gaybies were put off because of the anal cavity. So she resorted to violence, the bitch assaulted me so I pistol whipped the bint, and proceeded to get the boyshh like aron and stotty to rape her. Bitch never back talked me again, I then decided to go to a museum and get some armour.

Now grundy in his gaybie form went onto hunt down squishy ben and rape him, converting him into a gaybie. This made me enraged, so I shot him with my rpg, thus fucking him up, leading to the revalation of how to destroy the gaybies. Nyree still not getting cock, resorted to stotty some more. She told stotty he was shit in the sack, so he cut off his penis and jumped off a cliff in rage. She still want the cock so she went onto invent a gaybie converter, which essentially made the gaybies straight.  Then birko luke died cos he killed himself due to laura shagging grundy and therefore getting gaybies. The straight gaybies  repeatedly raped nyree for a laugh and she was very very pleased.

Ducky (in straight gaybie form) emerged out of the blue and was moving steadily towards Palmer’s mum, palmers mum was then buzzing cause she was about to get cock, but then suddenly a big fat Arabic man with a pink turban appeared, he pulled out a giant scimitar out and scream “LAUAHLUAHLUAHLUAHLUAHLAUH”. Needless to say that fat little arab man killed palmers ma, and even the now straight gaybie ducky, Fuck mann duckys dead AGAIN. The Arabic man challenged me to a duel, I agreed, he had his sword drawn, but the daft cunt didn’t see my rpg, BOOOM an the arab is gone! Like cilit bang.

“Oh my fucking god where’s Chrispy with ma crackkk!” Chrispy’s brother Dave popped out of his house and said “I duno where he is.” I was screwed… doubly screwed.. no crack and gaybies about, I then turned around to see nyree being pillaged by the straight gaybies and she moaned in arousal whilst being eaten. “Fuck.” Said I! Dave then said “what ?”…. I replied “YOU DICKHEAD! We could get eaten!” … “Oh shit yeah!” said Dave. Other people like aron mcnobhead where capitalising on the mass amount of virgins whom did not want to die a virgin, and thus getting tha gash.

AIDS EVERYBODIES GOT AIDS, (BMP). Except teabag! However we now need to get to the presidents blackhouse. It was the white house but Barack coloured it black cause he’s mad like that. We were in a bad way, with a never ending tunnel in sight! We hijacked a boat blud, t’was a bit of a hell mission but we were up to the task! Charl the dickhead tried to rob the boat before us, but I pulled out my 9 milli and busted a cap in her nose. She cried. So we threw her overboard and let her be deflowered by a horde of straight gaybies. “OH, FUCK!”

I screamed, we were screwed, in fact we were UBER-SCREWED. It was Tubes in gaybie form! Then out of the blue chrispy crawled out a cave with a tactical twelve gauge shotty and cried URGGHHHHHHHH and a aluminous green coloured weed smoking utensil and he said “I’m Known for killing and rapein’ nuns, even handicapped and cripple bitches”… it was quite blatantly a line from Big-L Devil’s son, we then carried on our epic journey on the boat, Grundys mum appeared, in see-through lingerie, she offered out the gash, so we all hit that shit. Now our crew consisted of ; Me, Fish, Chrispy, Dave, John-Luc, Manley, Cowle, Grundy’s mum, Carl that Kerri girl and Kieran was there wasn’t he? 

We left das boat in America… wait! We’re in Meh-hee-ko! Shit. Kieran was getting eaten by a rabid dog called jasper, whom we would later befriend. We ran to the nearest bar, inside the bar, the decoration was in poor taste, tables on the floor, broken windows and bloody corpses everywhere! There was a loud rustling sound, I picked up a bottle… An ominous figure jumped up at me, so naturally I bottled the bastard!  “Fucking hell, again!” screamed the floored figure. I recognised the voice so I gave it a quick gander… shit. I bottled Geo. She tagged along the geg. We entered hell like kalumbu on his boxhead, needless to say kalumbu was already dead.

We had been travelling for weeks, and we still didn’t know where in hells name we were then suddenly some idiot dressed like Rambo popped up with mines, rockets and mac-10’s and shiz. We all thought “Fuck.” We were boned, no not boned, we were up the river Ganges with an oar stuck up all our arses, that’s how screwed we were. Suddenly Dean turned up with a yellow school bus, we were fuckin’ saved! We jumped in and drove straight at the Rambo wannabe, “OH SHIT! WHY DEAN, WHY !?!” Said Bowl

“Remember year 7 history?” Said Dean

“Oh fuck, yeah ! hey this aint a volcano !” Said Bowl

“Who Cares” Said Dean

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOUSE TALKIN’ ABOUT” Screamed fish

“LOOK OUT ROC…..” Geo tried to scream, but when she started talking a rocket was fired. Kablamo. Needless to say it was a disaster, the bus was fucked , Dean was dying with his last breath he said “ Bowly, Bowly, Bowly !”. I screamed “DAMN YOU, YOU DAMN GAYBIES! DAMN YOU ALL TOO HELL AND DAMN YOU RAMBO WANABE!” I found the wannabe’s corpse, oh shit, we killed blakey, why the fuck did he start shootin’ us the fuckin’ bell end? Well the only people left were, me , Fish, Geo (Cause shes ARDD’ and she’ll bang me if she dies), Chrispy and manley (But manley was missin’ an arm so we left ‘im to die).

We had reached DC at last. Fuck me there were Gaybies about, for some strange reason, they were all outside the blackhouse, which was now red, thus being the red house. Chrispy said “ Go on with out me.”

“What, why?” said I

“Ok” said Geo the harsh bitch

“I WANT TOO KILL SOME NOOBS” Screamed Chrispy, so we buggered off. So needless to say Chrispy died a painful death, Flo appeared, with a Barrack tee on and said “Follow me!” So we followed Flo. Flo told us Barack had a secret plan to destroy AIDS permanently and destroy that virus thingy ma-jigger. We Reached the oval office Barack was getting some head off some white intern girl. Meanwhile Tubes Banged Chrispys ma. Barack had the Virus antidote, Boo-Yar. Oh shit. Barack suddenly died, for no apparent reason, this pissed me off. MISSING TEXT. “AT LAST THE ANTIDOTE!” said Fish

“Hmmm how the fuck do we use it?” Said I suddenly soft Knob ed’ palmer smacked the antidote out of Fish’s hand.

Boom. Purple Aki appeared and felt Geo’s muscles. We all died.

Fin.

Character of the day =D 18/09/2010

Ok the computer seems to get the day's wrong for some reason, so I'm gonna post 'em in the title from now on! Yesterday we had Starscream, You know that jet from transformers.. Oh there are multiple jets ? Fuck... The fucking red one then ! Well anyway todays motherfucker will be....
Manfred von Richthofen

Ok so most of you are like, who the fuck is this Nazi looking guy? Well I'll tell you. He's none other than the German ace pilot (and all round badass) known as The Red Baron. Yes that motherfucker. Ok he gets his place here because of how much crazy ass shit he did. None of this pussy shit hiding in bunkers, he was flying around in plane, being all cool and shit, like 'Yo bitches I'm up here! Hah can't get me can you ?... Oh wait you can'. In his flying career he bagged himself many notable victories, and even racked up 80 confirmed kills.
His awesome level reached a whopping 105, after withstanding a head injury and partial blindness mid flight and still managed to land his plane! He had major operations but that motherfucker still wanted to fly and kick some ass, and he did.. for a bit.
However some little bitch, got a sly cheap shot in whilst he was hunting noobs to eat with his brotwurst, and at 11 a.m. on 21 April 1918 he was fatally wounded. Some bitch shot him from below, and pierced his heart and lungs, but that didn't stop this machine. He managed to do some crazy ass comando ass motherfucking shit and land his plane, get out and say 'Kaputt'. They are some of the most badass, straight up killinist motherfucking last words ever to be spoken by any gangster-ass-pimp from Germany ever.

5 things to look foward to in the near future!

5) Darker Than Black

Darker than black is a series I am very fond of, and at this moment in time a sequel to the original series has been made, however is not very accessable to people in western countries. HOWEVER recent news indicates that it is going to be released (with english dubs) soon, around 2011. For those that don't know the series, it's about some bad motherfucker called Hei, who uses a false name Lee shenshung (Probably spelled wrong but fuck that spelling shit). This is because he's a badass motherfucker who's been killing for years, as a member of the syndicate, and most people refer to him as 'the black reaper'. However he is a contractor which means he can also shitfuck you with elecricity. So simply, its a show full of badassry and even a talking fucking cat, fucking donkeys, cats are where its at.


4) Ni No Kuni

Ok this may not be to the normal badass standard and rate at badass level -10 BUT what it does bring is the graphical standard to which all anime games should be up to. It looks stunning, seriously, you should look for the trailers, I can't be assed with posting all that link shit. Also the reason it got my atention is because it is actually made by studio Ghibli, ok I know I know not badass, but suck my balls, this game is tasty and Ghibli has produce many high quality films.

3) Yakuza Of The End

Ok You can tell how fucking awesome it is. YAKUZA AND ZOMBIES, I almost jizzed when I heard that (ok youngins, get to fuck, deal with the obsenities and grammatical mistakes, or eat a nice fat dick). Ok for those of you that don't know Yakuza is a series of games of awesome yakuza antics, however we are still only up to 3 here in the U.k. so we get plenty of time to wait...

2) Catherine

Ok Catherine my most anticipated game. Seriously. It looks fucking awesome, after playing P3P you find vincent (The protagonist of Catherine) in Escapade, and you could tell he's a the real shit. However some people seem put off because theres sex in a video game, what I say to you pussy's is ok. You play lara croft, you play DOA, STREET FIGHTER and many more ... what do you see ? Girls with huge tits, get a life you fucking hipocrites. This game is one of the few to actually have a story line, and is actually doing somthing (like the SMT series, and Persona (spin off the SMT series) have been doing pushing the boundries). They make games so they can actually be up there with films as a form of art. Now if you get put off by sex in a video game, but not in a film you are a fucking tool, and fuck you. This games is awesome and its the first HD game from the Persona team, so hopefully if its successful we'll see a HD SMT sequel or Persona sequel for that matter, because persona 5 is allready confirmed, I guess they are working on it aswell as Catherine, so they know what they need to change (They started this mid way through P4, so its not unlikely).

1) I Saw The Devil

Ok this is my number one. This film looks badass to the extreme, Kim jee woon the mad fucker behing The good, the bad and the wierd, bittersweet life and many more is at it again! He's also bagged Lee Byung Hun, an awesomely slick bastard who he has worked with on numerous occasions, and also Choi Min-SICK (as i call him) he up there with the big boys but hasnt starred in that many accessible films for someone in the UK. Set for a 2011 release (HERE =D) it looks fucking awesome, Nuff said.

P.s. There are other cool ass shit in the wings ! Like Dragon age 2, and many more however I felt like mixing up and doing 5 things =D

Top 10 actors of all time

10) Jo Shishido

Ok This bad motherfucker is on my list for being in one of the coolest films ever made, Branded to kill. Ok title alone is badass,  Detective Bureau 2-3: Go to Hell, Bastards! (A link just in case you wanna check them out =D). However a few good roles does not guarantee his place, the fact he augmented his cheeks to get more badass roles does, he is the fucking hell shit.

9) James Stewart

Ok everyone should know James Stewart, Vertigo, Rear window, The big sleep... the list could go on for weeks! He is just awesome, I don't know what it is hes just a class act. He even kicked ass in the war, getting medals, and just PLANE badassry (He was in the air force). Also he was promoted to colonel, one of very few Americans to rise from private to colonel in four years! Not many actors have done that have they ?

8) Clint Eastwood

Ok now do I need to say more than this one word : Badass ? This man, should be praised for being one of the few skinny people to bring dread and fear to every nation. Espically if your mexican and/or a criminal! Motherfucker he'll get ya. Ok heres a link to my favourite quote, its really over looked ! :'( :
Harry's Policy, such an awesome scene.

7) Toshiro Mifune

One of the baddest motherfuckers out there, as a wise man once said "All you need is one look at Toshiro Mifune to know that he's fucking serious.  He's coarse, he's gruff, he's confident, he doesn't take any fucking shit from anyone and he's got the sort of commanding presence that forces you to respect the fact that he could kick your ass fifteen ways from Thursday afternooon and not even break a sweat." To read the rest click here =)  Well like he said, if you ever think of a samurai you think of Toshiro Mifune. I put him ahead of Clint Eastwood due to the fact that he seems more physically intimidating, so he is more badass, and that is both there jobs, and he stared alongside my favourite badass (who will appear later) Charles bronson in Red Sun.

6) John Cusack

John Cusack, just missing out on the top 5... He plays many roles, and gives hope to the geekish loners of the world, by being goofy and badass at the same time. His best role Martin Q. Blank as seen in Grosse Pointe Blank. He kills Dan Akroyd with a fucking T.V. thats how awesome he is.

5) Bruce Campbell

The man who's chin CAN kill. He is so awesome he wrote a book called : 'If chins could kill'. He also plays the most badass machismo character in the inventation of the universe Ashley J. Williams. Yes his name is Ashley, you call him a girl, you'll see what happens. He even played an ageing Elvis inpersenating an Elvis Inpersenator who is inpersenating him, in Bubba Ho-tep, awesome.

4) Alain Delon

Possibly the coolest motherfucker on the planet, hell in his prime I would. The cool motherfucker worked with my #2 in the list on multiple occasions and offered the reversal of his character, each time, which is very nice. He also appeared in possibly the coolest film ever, as the protagonist in Le samourai.

3) Vincent Price

He's that badass his picture gets his name. He is the B-movie horror king, no-one does it better, and only Bruce campbell is par, however due to the amount of role differences Vincent takes it. His voice is the most recognisable after patrick stewarts, but thats because he's still around i.e. American Dad Bulluck. However Price's role here is assured for his awesome repertoire, which includes theatre of blood, laura, the last man on earth... I could go on, and on but simply put he is the sex.

2) Charles Bronson

Ok Bronson the ultimate badass, wether he's igor in house of wax or paul kersey, he dazzles the screen with awesome over the top awsomeness which leaves the viewer in awe. Red sun my favourite of his films stars him and two other residents of my top 10, however in this film he shows the comic appeal to his acting, and again in farewell friend. He is just awesome, even when they made deathwish 5 (which really should of ended after 1). The death series works because he is so awesome his one liners make the films extreme, just look at this clip, awesome. However he missed the topspot due to the all time great....

1) Humphrey Bogart

Bogart is the shit. Ok I was going to leave it at that but I'll give some reasons.

1. He made the archetypal gangster Duke Mantee
2. When you think of a noir cop, you think of bogart, and yes that is the stuff dreams are made of.
3. He got drunk with stuffed pandas.
4. He got around, and was a bit of a craddle snatcher.
5. He is the fucking shit.

Ok thats it however there are a few people who get an honorary mention. Lee Byung Hun for being in one of the slickest (and second coolest) film ever made Bittersweet life, he'd be on the list if he wasn't in fucking G.I. FUCKING Joe. Jared Kusnitz and Shia La Beouf because they have potential to grow Dance of the dead and disturbia (a rear window clone) are highly enjoyable (With other films to mention too) and  Choi Min-Sik and Krissada Terrence if they were in more roles which I could watch, They will be on the list, hopefully soon I can put Choi Min-Sik on, as a new film is coming soon. Their best two films are Oldboy (the best film ever made) and 13 Beloved , which is also up there with the best.

Character of the day =D

Ok this is going to be my first character of the day! The character can be a real life person, a mythological hero, even an angel! Hell, this is going to be  frequent event from now-on! Why 'cus I is bored  =D
Well anyway I'll kick it off with a henchy character....
Starscream

Now this Motherfucker is a real 'bad-man' well... except technically he isin't a man. Well anyway this sexy piece of ass from way back in the 80's was that motherfucker who was allways shitfucking your shit. You come home (if your a decipticon) and that motherfucker is always hatching some scheme. Not to fuck up the autobots, no I really think he really didn't care about them, he had an Iago thing going on. He want Megatron's job, and also his shiny metal ass.

The most awesome fail from this was when he threw out Megatron after the beef with the autobots, which he stated 'survival of the fitest'. He simply threw away his leader, badass. Then made himself a fucking crown and coronated himself with trumpets and shit, he really is that motherfucker.. Oh wait.. well after he crowned himself Megatron came back as, well erm Galvatron and disintergrated Starscream, but thats not the end of this motherfucker.

He comes back as ghost and starts instagating more shit, if that aint badass, the fact that he can literally die multiple times and still be a pain in everyones ass, that is the ultimate acension to badassry. His biggest bad ass feet. however was fucking up all them motherfucking dinobots. The dinobots are bad ass, Grimlock the most bad ass motherfucker since zeus. He killed them all dead, 'Nuff said.

10 Things which do NOT need to be remade.

10) Pacman

Pacman has been remade countless times, but why? The series has not evolved, and when it tried to branch out it resulted in a catestrophic failure. The game itself however is ultimatley awesome to the Nth degree, if it was female I totally would... Oh wait Mrs Pacman ? Too bad it sucked. (and not in the good way)

9) Tetris

Tetris... The words damage the eardrum with the protruding sound of familiarity. Everyone knows tetris, everyone has played tetris, however in every varation it has always been the same, which, really cannot be changed which is why this is number nine on my list.

8) Cowboy Bebop


















Scheduled for a release in 2011 the cowboy bebop movie is destined to fail. The film has got premise, and Cowboy bebop is one of my favourite series', however I really think they should give it time. At this moment in time, all anime films have had a common trend: They have all failed, wether its critically, or financally the only good films to come from an anime/manga, are the Death Note films, Oldboy and only a few more (Which include Crows Zero (1 & 2 ) which I am quite partial to). However because of the americanization of the film, I think it should wait untill an anime has been successfully amercanized and made into a film. If I thought the film itself should not have been made I would of posted it at number 2 (however it does have premise of a film).

7) Persona 4

Rumour has it that Persona 4 is the latest game from the persona series to be remade, this makes no sense to me. I'm a huge fan of the series, Persona, is a solid JRPG, I've only recently been able to play the first game thanks to the PSP's unicode, however my introduction was persona 3 which is my favourite game, and I've bought 3 different versions of it, and I really do not want to buy four again, when they should release 5 or P2P, as Persona 2 is the only one not frequently available.

6) Fright Night



















One of my favourite films, and again why must it be remade? Its allready perfect a mix between vampires and rear window, what more do you need? Yet people want to remake it just because it was filmed in the 80's. This is due to the lack of inspired writters (which are non-existant in mordern hollywood) and the recent vampire trend. They will change the theme from people who like camp b-moviesq horror films. They plan to change the role  Peter Vincent to a vegas magician, this totally loses all the charm of the original character, who is obviously a spoof of vincent price, and has obviously been removed because tweens will not recognise such an iconic figure. Toolish, behaviour.

5) Evil dead

Evil dead, a classic. There have been three films made in the trilogy (duh !) all which have been awesome. It was even a musical, and a video game. However speculation was that Park chan-wook was going to remake it (which is now false) but I would have loved to see it, as he is my favourite director, but I still didn't really want it. Sam rami is going to make a remake though, instead of number 4. However this should not take place no-one man can replace the awesome chin which can kill, called Bruce Campbell, he is a god and cannot be replaced. Even thinking about replacing him should be punishable by chuck. By that I mean you shalt be smote.

4) Oldboy

This cannot ever happen, EVER. Oldboy is my favourite film ever ( I'm so defensive I sound like a tween) . Will Smith cannot be Oh-dae su PERIOD. Will Smith cannot act he has one role and that role is not Oh-dae su. Also the planned to take out two of the most vital parts 1) INCEST 2) real squid eating. Will Smith is nowhere near as bad-ass as Choi min SICK (as I call him). He would never eat a squid. Ever. Plus Park chan wook is the perfect director, so there is no need to undermine his awesomeness.

3) Death Note


















Ok we're getting into the 'pissed off level'. This is because Death Note has been milked for all its worth, they have made the 37 episode series which was good, awesome if it would of ended earlier. 3 live action films and even re-released the series into 3 dvds in different perspectives. Ok now why the fuck do they need to make another film? Just to americanise a series to make money because hollywood cannot in good conscience make anything themselves, after exhausting their source material, they leach off the success of other countries and make them... dirty, not to mentoin Zac Effron is fucking light, I'll give him a chance when he starts making some serious films, but untill then he is scum.

2) Full metal panc!

Ok that picture is a serious spoiler for anyone into the series but fuck it I'm a bit pissed and on a roll. This is my favourite series ever, hands down. Now madalay have bought the rights to it. The series does have premise for a film, however with all that being said, with the recent turn out of anime films all being mediocre when done in the states, it needs to be said that chances are this will fail. Untill I see the director I'm going to hate this because this series has the premise of a really good film but motherfuckers who can't write thier own shit and want to make a quick buck from existent fans. Fuck hollywood. Americanizing bastards. Plus Effron wants to be Sousuke.... Fuck Effron Fuck Mandalay.

1) Let the right one in

Ok this is it! Let the right one in is number one 'cus it pissed me off the most. Ok hollywood, why the fuck have you just remade on 08 film ? Because you fucking suck. This came out in 08 and was a brilliant film, but got caught up in the tweens lust for vampire films, and now is scheduled for 10 release.. Ok why? Its allready modern. Seriously. Fucking parasites. Dumbing the film down just to suit twilight fans, its just outrageous.

Sorry for the spelling mistakes I can't be bothered to change them!

Zombie holocaust

There were zombies all around,

I was bound to be found,

One to the right,

But I'm not in its sight,

If I go to the left I will be caught I have to go round, 

Or I will become bound,
Stuck in this plight,
A struggling fight,
I made a sound,
No more hiding in a mound,
Phew my escape was tight,
But I tread light,

Suddenly zombies where abound,

Pound!

My head feels Numb,

God I feel dumb!

Oh god MY LEG!

..

.

BRAINS!

BRAINS!

Ode to cake

I like to eat cake,
Even at a wake,
Sometimes I like to bake,
For moneys sake,
I once ate at a lake,
I even brought a rake,
It wasn't a fake,

I even read William Blake,

Oh for heavens sake!

Pull the brake!

Or there will be a bad mistake,

And you will look like steak,

Now its getting cold I shiver and shake,

No more will I bake,

Because this is read at my wake,

But do not touch my cake,

For it shall take...

Your soul.